Woahhhh

After tonight.. im feeling a little high school romantic-y feeling <3

Watching MTV's Awkward, makes me remember when life was easy and things could go with the flow.. now a days things are just so AWKWARD..

But after tonight and doing some light reading.. I have come to realize what i want in life.. I dont need friends, i dont need money or a big house.. I need family and memories..
What i want in my future is to have kids that have memories i didnt have.. I want to live in a small town, smaller than Ashland, like Prague or David City, or Malmo.. Why? Because i love the small town feeling, growing up in the "sticks" is something i love. Alex & I are both small town people who rather be on a farm than in the city.. I feel SO much more comfortable on a farm than driving around in some city.. being on a farm compared to a navy base.. theres not much difference in my comfortate level..
Growing up, i always dreamed of living out where my grandma does and having a farm.. having horses.. having everything. I wish my kids could grow up like they did, it was hard.. but they had a good life. a life that had memories, a life without tv and all the gadgets.. dont get me wrong, i love my phone, the computer, everything.. but some days.. i like the simple life..

where has the simple life gone??? I hope someday.. alex and i can find a small town that isnt gonna change because of bigger cities.. i dont mind having to drive over 30 mins to a big city.. oh well.. its worth it to me..

I want my kids to grow up safely, not having to worry about gangs, or guns or anything like that. the small town atsompher is great.. its easy going, everyone knows eveyone, everyone is ACTUALLY there for you when you need them & your there for them when they need you.. How how i wish sometimes i could of grown up in those days..

Shhh.. but sometimes i think i had a past life.. as much as i like the old days, its crazy to me to think how much i actually would give to go live a life a like that. oh well.. this is the life i've been given and im not going to let people ruin it for me.. who agrees? i know trevor and i do..

there is no more being negative going on here.. i need to be postive and happy for my baby. He needs to know that im here for him and life is going to be easy and free flowing for him when he gets older.. i wish this world wasnt so horrible these days.. why cant things go back to the way they were when i was a child?

Friends or Foes?

So I lost a "good friend" yesterday because i posted that i was tired of seeing happy couples.. I wasnt meaning it towards anyone, she took it seriously and blew it out of porption.. well I've had it.. I NOW realize my whole life & friends has been nothing but a joke.. When i had only 3 friends show up for my wedding & leave within in an hour because we had to go to the hospital.. I should have known.. When i moved to Connecitcut i should of have known..
There arent many true friends in my life.. I'm not sure if ive ever had true friends now that i think about it.. I dont think i should count on anyone in my life, except family.. Maybe family..(i wont get started on my family tonight), I hate those "friends" that are your "friends" that are only your "friends" when they need or want something from you.. How awesome right?? because thats what you need in your life when life is already screwy enough for me...
Now back to above about the "friend" and the status.. She said she understand.. but obviously she doesnt understand a whole lot.. I might be a little immature about everything, but when she deleted me, i blocked her from everything.. I dont want to be in contact with people like that anymore.. if my "friends" cant understand how i feel or why im upset than i dont need people in my life. Specially when they are fake friends..

I just wish i had more friends, I guess im not sure what i do wrong in my life that i dont have any "girl friends", i wish i could get that answer from someone, but who the heck would i ask??  No one but there is no one in my life that i trust to be a good friend. I've lost everyone & alex is the only person who has ever stayed in my life & been wonderful. I cant wait til he gets back.. I need my best friend back.. I miss him so much.. & its sad to realize how much you depend on 1 person til you have no one else to depend on or talk to..  I miss my husband.


I need friends in my life that understand that some days i will hate the world & not want anyone in my life, & theres day that i dont want anyone in my life but i would LOVE someone to come drag me out of my house and make me happy and smile.. I'd love someone to be a friend again.. I guess I miss my high school "friends" actually having someone there.. but i guess i should accept the fact I dont have anyone in my life except my husband & i should stop trying to find people to fill that void. I have our son who is wonderful & everything more i could for in a son. he is healthy and happy baby. I just wish there was more to my life than Trevor.. i wish there were more friends or just people to hang out with, i guess..
I guess you can only find friends like that on base.. because they know how you feel & what your going through.. and people who were your "high school" friends dont get it because they arent military.. they dont know how you feel or what your going, they think they know when they said "i understand.." no, no you dont

a turn for the worse

I'm not sure why i get my hopes up.. I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic? Maybe he is just smarter than I am and has got more strength than i do.. Who knows but this is pretty tough on me.. I'm not able to sit here and let the tension be unrecognized.. I wish things were different.. I wish things were so different..

i feel like a high school girl again.. i sit & wait by the phone, wait for someone.. anyone.. to notice the pain im going through, to notice that i just need to be held & told that everything is going to be okay.. &  this is why im so miserable.. I just wish.. someone would notice what im going through.. i actually just wish he would come and notice.. im just a hopeless romantic that talking to him isnt helping anything at all..

i wish i wasnt in this deep, but its too late.. this has gone to far.. i wish i could turn my back on it all now, but knowing that i could be missing something just hurts too much.. sometimes wishing just isnt enough.. say good-bye now before its too late..

Stand Still, look Pretty.. Keep your mouth Shut?

Ever hear that song "stand still, look pretty" by the wreckers? Well its kinda the story of my life these days. I know things could be much worse than they are now. But going from where we were to this really sucks. Like im not sure what could go right, because once something actually goes right.. something falls down the shitter.. ya know what im saying?

Im trying not to complain all the time, but im struggling just to keep my head on right.. I need an outlet.. and its starting to feel like i have no where to turn. Im even sure I have anyone left in this world, besides family. But sometimes they arent the ones you wanna talk to. ya kno? I just wish there was an actual friend i could count on for once in my life. Im only 20 and i feel like the world is out to get me. I cant keep holding on to this piece of thread anymore. It majorly sucks. I should be out living my life, enjoying what god gives us.. But nope.. that aint gonna happen.

Im not even sure its worth it anymore.. ya kno? Where do you go from here? Whats the next step in life when your BELOW rock bottom? How can you get up on your feet again?? Not sure whats gonna happen from here on out.. :/

Court?

So i have court tomorrow morning, im kinda nervous even though its not determining anything. I wish it was because id rather get out of this town now than have to wait another 3-4 months. Ive already driven myself crazy basically..
Being back in this town makes me wanna do things.. things i shouldnt even think about doing becuase I'm married with a son. They are my world. I love them to the moon and back(probably farther) but being here makes me remember the old days when i could do what i want, when i want. And Im living with my mother still, shes never home so it makes it even harder, because id love to just go get away from everything for alittle bit. But shes got a new boyfriend, so she is always with him.
I just wish for once, someone cared about my well being and not their own... Im just sick of everything, of being alone all the dang time lately. I cant seem to handle it, well not being here in this god for saken town. This town is no good. I need to be off with my husband, supporting his career choices and making him happy and relaxed about what he is about to do. Not being stuck 2000 miles away from. :/
And lately all we do is fight. Just about everything, we both have issues about trust. and thats because we are so far apart. ive told him that lately i start these fights because its like im perparing myself for the underway hes going to be going on soon. But he is just such a jerk all the dang time. I try and actually talk to him about how i feel, like i feel abonded, left, i just want to be comforted and that little things matter. but he doesnt get it.. some days i wonder what i was thinking when we got married, i dont think he is ready for the whole "i need to please her" thing because im doing my best to make him happy, why cant he return it? i guess there agian, no one thinks that i need to be happy.
Ugh


lets just keep our fingers crossed for good news tomorrow because i need this stress to go away..
good night

Being Punished??

Well its starting to feel as if nothing is ever going to work out for us. Its like no matter what we do in life to try and make things better.. we just get punished instead.

I say this because its as if everything in the universe is acting against us. Us? My husband and I. He's in the Navy and out in Washington getting ready for a deployment.. Where am I? Stuck in Nebraska. Why? because my sons biological father wont let my son leave Nebraska to be with the only man he's known as his father, my husband. This "biological father" hasnt been apart of my sons life til I got married, than everything changed.. He wanted to be in my sons life, he didnt want us leaving Nebraska. We already were in a different state, but were court ordered back to Nebraska because of this. My son just turned one this month.. He goes to his visits about 1 or 2 twice a week. He doesnt recognize this man as his father, when he sees my husband he smiles and laughs and points at him, as if saying "thats my daddy!". It breaks my heart knowing a judge/court would do this to us.

We are a military family, we didnt get married just because I was pregnant, we had been together for 4 years, on and off of course. So now we wait.. we wait to see what happens at court, than we have another court date. Is it ever going to end? I sure hope so, because I'm tired of the fighting, the loneliness, the wondering. It makes everything much harder than it has to be.

And now it feels like I cant have fun. I'm 20 years old, I got pregnant at 18 and had my son when i was 19. I couldnt be happier, hes changed my life so much and for the better. I couldnt be more blessed with him and my husband in my life. But sometimes I wish I could go out and do fun things and not worry about him being in good hands, it may sound bad but when hes on his visits im constantly worrying about him, but whens hes with my husband i dont worry about him because I know he is in good hands. Anyways, if i ask anyone in my family to watch him, its like its just a big deal, even when I watch my nephew(who is 3 months younger than my son), do I get the favor returned?? No. I dont remember the last time I had a good time, the last time i didnt have to worry.

A little background on me... I've been staying at my moms since i got pregnant, til i moved with my husband to the east coast, than i had to come back here in June..now im still here. I dont have a car because my husband took it with him to the west coast to the base.. So i sit at home every day.. day after day.. not being able to go outside..because we have been in a heat wave.. :/ Listening to a screaming child who is constantly climbing ontop of you like your a jungle gym, biting, scratching.. and god knows what else he does to me. Raising him myself was fine until we moved to the east coast and i had help from my husband. Up til my son was about 6 months old i did it all myself, I had a csection and didnt get any help from family, when I was suppose to be resting. I dont complain about it because to me, it wasnt that bad, it could of been worse. But now I wish i did have help. he's alot worse to handle now as he is completely mobile. He's been walking since he was about 8 1/2 months and walking independently since he was 10 months old..

I also havent been able to work because I've been bouncing back and forth between states for 6 months. Everything is just a hassle and starting to get old. To be honest i just wish this would all be over with so i would know what was going to happen and what our fate was going to be.. ugh :/