Woahhhh

After tonight.. im feeling a little high school romantic-y feeling <3

Watching MTV's Awkward, makes me remember when life was easy and things could go with the flow.. now a days things are just so AWKWARD..

But after tonight and doing some light reading.. I have come to realize what i want in life.. I dont need friends, i dont need money or a big house.. I need family and memories..
What i want in my future is to have kids that have memories i didnt have.. I want to live in a small town, smaller than Ashland, like Prague or David City, or Malmo.. Why? Because i love the small town feeling, growing up in the "sticks" is something i love. Alex & I are both small town people who rather be on a farm than in the city.. I feel SO much more comfortable on a farm than driving around in some city.. being on a farm compared to a navy base.. theres not much difference in my comfortate level..
Growing up, i always dreamed of living out where my grandma does and having a farm.. having horses.. having everything. I wish my kids could grow up like they did, it was hard.. but they had a good life. a life that had memories, a life without tv and all the gadgets.. dont get me wrong, i love my phone, the computer, everything.. but some days.. i like the simple life..

where has the simple life gone??? I hope someday.. alex and i can find a small town that isnt gonna change because of bigger cities.. i dont mind having to drive over 30 mins to a big city.. oh well.. its worth it to me..

I want my kids to grow up safely, not having to worry about gangs, or guns or anything like that. the small town atsompher is great.. its easy going, everyone knows eveyone, everyone is ACTUALLY there for you when you need them & your there for them when they need you.. How how i wish sometimes i could of grown up in those days..

Shhh.. but sometimes i think i had a past life.. as much as i like the old days, its crazy to me to think how much i actually would give to go live a life a like that. oh well.. this is the life i've been given and im not going to let people ruin it for me.. who agrees? i know trevor and i do..

there is no more being negative going on here.. i need to be postive and happy for my baby. He needs to know that im here for him and life is going to be easy and free flowing for him when he gets older.. i wish this world wasnt so horrible these days.. why cant things go back to the way they were when i was a child?

Friends or Foes?

So I lost a "good friend" yesterday because i posted that i was tired of seeing happy couples.. I wasnt meaning it towards anyone, she took it seriously and blew it out of porption.. well I've had it.. I NOW realize my whole life & friends has been nothing but a joke.. When i had only 3 friends show up for my wedding & leave within in an hour because we had to go to the hospital.. I should have known.. When i moved to Connecitcut i should of have known..
There arent many true friends in my life.. I'm not sure if ive ever had true friends now that i think about it.. I dont think i should count on anyone in my life, except family.. Maybe family..(i wont get started on my family tonight), I hate those "friends" that are your "friends" that are only your "friends" when they need or want something from you.. How awesome right?? because thats what you need in your life when life is already screwy enough for me...
Now back to above about the "friend" and the status.. She said she understand.. but obviously she doesnt understand a whole lot.. I might be a little immature about everything, but when she deleted me, i blocked her from everything.. I dont want to be in contact with people like that anymore.. if my "friends" cant understand how i feel or why im upset than i dont need people in my life. Specially when they are fake friends..

I just wish i had more friends, I guess im not sure what i do wrong in my life that i dont have any "girl friends", i wish i could get that answer from someone, but who the heck would i ask??  No one but there is no one in my life that i trust to be a good friend. I've lost everyone & alex is the only person who has ever stayed in my life & been wonderful. I cant wait til he gets back.. I need my best friend back.. I miss him so much.. & its sad to realize how much you depend on 1 person til you have no one else to depend on or talk to..  I miss my husband.


I need friends in my life that understand that some days i will hate the world & not want anyone in my life, & theres day that i dont want anyone in my life but i would LOVE someone to come drag me out of my house and make me happy and smile.. I'd love someone to be a friend again.. I guess I miss my high school "friends" actually having someone there.. but i guess i should accept the fact I dont have anyone in my life except my husband & i should stop trying to find people to fill that void. I have our son who is wonderful & everything more i could for in a son. he is healthy and happy baby. I just wish there was more to my life than Trevor.. i wish there were more friends or just people to hang out with, i guess..
I guess you can only find friends like that on base.. because they know how you feel & what your going through.. and people who were your "high school" friends dont get it because they arent military.. they dont know how you feel or what your going, they think they know when they said "i understand.." no, no you dont

a turn for the worse

I'm not sure why i get my hopes up.. I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic? Maybe he is just smarter than I am and has got more strength than i do.. Who knows but this is pretty tough on me.. I'm not able to sit here and let the tension be unrecognized.. I wish things were different.. I wish things were so different..

i feel like a high school girl again.. i sit & wait by the phone, wait for someone.. anyone.. to notice the pain im going through, to notice that i just need to be held & told that everything is going to be okay.. &  this is why im so miserable.. I just wish.. someone would notice what im going through.. i actually just wish he would come and notice.. im just a hopeless romantic that talking to him isnt helping anything at all..

i wish i wasnt in this deep, but its too late.. this has gone to far.. i wish i could turn my back on it all now, but knowing that i could be missing something just hurts too much.. sometimes wishing just isnt enough.. say good-bye now before its too late..